Good morning God: Darkness to Light

Waking up from a troubled night of sleep, I did not want to get up for the day. “Oh God it’s morning.” The birds flew by as the cool of the day entered my consciousness. Though the day seemed heavy it provided a predictable reminder of what will be faced, which provided a comfort in the knowing, rather than the unknowing currents of the season.   

The sun cascading on my skin my mind craved the warmth of the sun more than the billowing heat of a blanket. Even in the midst of craving darkness there was light, there is light. So, I’d spend afternoons alone on the front porch wondering the intricacies of God. How the burden of heaviness and light given by God through Jesus mixed.  

Laying on the floor of the bathroom the heaviness persisted, taking this God given breath was not something I was willing to do, but due to my own understanding if I die, I go straight to heaven so why do I have to wait? Why do I have to groan here? Why do I have to carry this load, why do I? I wanted to be caught up like Elijah, wanted to just slip away and be faced to face with Jesus. I needed relief.  

The floors creaked as I walked up the steps to the trailer, I opened what could only be a classroom door to youth service. Walked in and could hear my name being whispered, “Jaque’s here, look it’s Jaque.” Hadn’t been there in so long it made me wonder if I was going to be accepted back into the group. A group that God placed in my life, that loved with a deep love.  

Observing the woven pattern on the floor, I reminisced on what it took to get there. You see I knew I was not well, had a cold of the mind and needed some assistance. I begged my father to take me to youth meetings because I knew that it was a place where not only could my mind be challenged, and helped, but the pangs of my soul soothed. There was a balm in Gilead and youth meeting was the balm.   

I put my foot down, and I needed to go. (Don’t give up)  

Quiet as it was my heart began to beat fast and the Lord came along side me and helped me up. (Don’t give up)  

A mic was handed to me, and I shared all that I’d been going through, which was therapy within itself. “I’m so tired... I’m so tired...I just want the Lord to come back and take me home. I was on my bathroom floor just asking the Lord to take me home. Please just take me home!” I handed the weight to every single person in the small building. I raised my white flag and wondered if anyone could hear behind what I was saying. 

She stood up, the Youth Pastor’s wife. It was like a gust of wind came with her because she was ready. “I know what you’re dealing with, that’s depression!  I've dealt with it to, and what comes with it is not of God! It’s not your time yet, we must rebuke those thoughts, we must bring it under submission. We are going to pray for you right now, come on we are going pray for you!”  (Don’t give up!)  

Tears streaming down my eyes I only could remember a sister in Christ coming and holding me as I cried in her arms. Then all the ladies in the youth group surrounded me, crying, praying. (Don’t give up!)  It was the most comfort I'd felt in a while. You see that was the beginning of the fight, because the weight did return, and I know now because God was working something in me as I went through it. He was teaching me to depend on him and soley him. Though the weight was dark his grace was sufficient.  

“For we know that the whole creation groaneth and travaileth in pain together until now.” - Romans 8:22 

It is one thing to have people around tell you not to give up, it is another thing to not give up on yourself because the Lord is leading you closer to him. As I navigated the season of depression, this process of longsuffering was at times too much for me to bare, I could remember determining in my own mind that it was too much for me and this was it.  

As I attempted to take this breath of life, before anything could occur God spoke to me inwardly, “WHAT ABOUT YOUR FAMILY?” I reasoned with him, “My family will be fine, they will be just fine. I’m tired Lord.” Attempting to continue my journey God spoke to me again, “WHAT ABOUT YOUR FUTURE FAMILY.” Time stopped, my heart skipped a beat, you see I didn’t see a future. There was no light at the end of the tunnel, but the truth is we are standing in light all along because darkness is as light in the Lord. Tears streaming down my eyes, I submitted myself, my life, to him again and suddenly the boxing gloves came to the hands of my mind. It was time to fight.  

Years would pass and I’d open my eyes, the weight within was traded for past scars, a deepened relationship with God and many years of therapy. Leaning down I’d give a good stretch and whisper, “Good Morning Lord...”  

Even now, in serving him there are times where the limitations of my body take over the willingness of my spirit man. There are times where I am wondering if I could continue this fight of overcoming my flesh, of becoming more like Christ, of bending to his will while being in the middle of the wheel as he is the potter, and I am the clay. There are times when trials come, and I don’t know if I’ll be able to make it through without him.  

Jesus was speaking to the disciples, and he shared that there was no way for the disciples to come to him unless the father led them there. At that time many of the disciples left, they went back to their old lives, to their own things, it got hard and there was no other direction for them but back. Jesus asks this question, “Will ye also go away?”  and Simon Peter answered him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? Thou hast the words of eternal life.”  

You’ve gotten the scars already, keep going. 

 You’ve grown and healed, done the work with God, keep going.  

You’ve cried out, asked for help, keep going.  

You’ve had a mind to start your day, keep going.  

God’s woken you up and has given your life, keep going. 

I know it’s dark but keep going. 

I know it’s heavy but keep going.  

I know you don’t want to face tomorrow, don’t worry about it because tomorrow has enough worries of its own, just keep going.  

Step by step, by step, you keep going.  

You keep praying, you keep hoping, you keep reading, you keep gathering with those who love you, you keep going.  

There is no looking back, lots wife looked back and got turned into salt, we are to be salt of the earth to preserve, you have purpose here, you have place here, you have  a purpose in the kingdom of God, you don’t to give up, he loves you too much, he wants you to succeed, he’s fanning the flame of belief  because even in doubting, Thomas had enough faith to ask. Keep going even if that means resting is your movement for the day.  DONT GIVE UP!  

And we know all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to his purpose.  -Romans 8:28 

My dear... DON'T GIVE UP!!!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uysGt7JVw9U